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She is always alone when I walk in, and always facing the windows, looking out without wearing her glasses, seeing the world, but not in focus.For now that makes sense to me, even though I don’t wear glasses, I can’t see clearly either.
This insurmountable peak is ahead of us, and as I gaze forward, all I see is a wall to climb, but no rope to pull me up.
For my mother, I cannot imagine how high the wall must seem, she must bring her 59 year old body from the sickest its ever been, through liquid death pumping through her veins, then learn to walk with strength again, and come out of this alive.
The highest, steepest mountain she has ever climbed, and the care of doctors is her rope.
I know I am not alone, others have fought this, beat this, and some of them I have known.
Since the second the doctor told us the diagnosis, since the second he spoke the words, I have felt a weight growing heavier on my shoulders each second that passes.
I am trying to find an outlet to release what I feel, but as many times as I sit down to write this, I lose my concentration and don’t bother to save what I have written.
I apologize in advance for perhaps how disjointed this post may become, unconnected like the millions of thoughts and worries that are pouring through my head are.
I want to sleep, but when I lay my head down to rest I think of my mother, the woman who raised me alone, and where her head is tonight.
She is alone, in a big epicenter of a hospital, a building that holds so much pain, and so much joy, that when you walk through the door, although each floor is packed with people, both sick and healthy, it is as if no sound exists.
Sound is not even relevant in the mass energy of the hospital, probably one of the only places in the world where the mute button might actually help.
I don’t need a mute button though, because when I walk through those doors, to those elevators, and towards that room I cannot see, hear or sense anything but where my mother is.
Her room is quiet and once I close the door, we pretend it is her one bedroom apartment.